To be honest the ‘why’ is not important to me, I just love that she’s found her voice again, pounding at the shore, making herself heard by anyone who cracks a window in this seaside town.

Words fail in my description of her sound. ‘Booming’ or ‘crashing’ isn’t accurate, even though I understand the use of both these words, as her liquid reverberation is all that and more.

Her voice carries. If you didn’t know better, the sound could almost be mistaken for the incessant roar of a distant freeway, or the din of ferocious earth-moving equipment — perhaps a building being razed, or a quarry being mined. Yet even that does not describe the magnitude of her untamed voice.

She is noisy! She is raw, unashamed and very bloody loud! And perhaps what I love most is that once she gets going, she just doesn’t stop! She has her say, for as long as her Spring Tide moment lasts. Her call is long, loud and unwavering.

There is intent behind her call. An almost brutal take-no-prisoners, hear-me-now, don’t-turn-away demand that completely captivates me.

She is white noise on steroids!

Yet somehow within her insistence, there is a calm and rhythmic sense of inclusion.

I love her constancy. And I admire her commitment to having her moment while marching to her own beat and keeping her own time. She does it her way and her way is elegant and frankly very cool!

This moment makes up for the many months when she is a silent force, merely whispering to the land and sighing as she kisses its sandy lips. During these long stretches of time, she is a calm and benign presence, beautiful to look at, and nice to walk beside.

But today her impact is mighty, and I am reminded of her innate power. Hearing her rise up so boldly, and give voice to all she is, buoys me and reminds me that I come from the same limitless source. Today her voice is my voice and I join with her as she states “See me”, “Hear me”, “I am powerful”, and “I am here”. “I own this space.”

www.clairelinley.com

The times I felt most myself were with chosen friends, carefully selected for their own respective ‘oddness’, which to me shone brightly in each of them as humour, intelligence and great resilience.

I felt like myself when I was in the theatre, performing under lights, feeling a rush of adrenaline and revelling in the applause.

I loved working as a TV presenter. It was a performance of sorts but usually only for the film crew of three and I never knew who or how many people may have watched. Often the message I was imparting was less than inspiring but somehow this still fed a part of me that wanted to be seen.

Essentially though I chose a life where I was not visible. As well as cultivating my therapy and energy healing work since I was 21, I have predominantly worked in corporate environments. Mostly I worked in PR — propelling others and their projects into the spotlight. Running large attention-grabbing events on their behalf, always with me grafting hard in the background.

I have worked in business with my husband over the years too. We’ve created some extraordinary business success, from which I’ve learned a lot and had many valuable life experiences. However, throughout our ventures, I have mainly fulfilled a support function, and when pushed into the business spotlight I have struggled. I know now because this is ‘not my thing’. I can’t confidently stride out and thrive in an environment where I do not fit.

I have had moments of pushing through my invisibility, namely running groups for women where I took the plunge to give voice to my deeper knowing, and I’ve been thrilled to watch as this touched others and allowed them to become more visible. These were wonderful opportunities and I always craved more. Usually, though, these groups were sacrificed because the demands of the businesses I was involved in required more of me.

A constant in my life has been people regularly forgetting my name, or completely forgetting having met me. People mistake me for someone else and I’d love a dollar for every time someone said “Claire, you look exactly like my aunt / my cousin / my friend!” Fortunately, this happens less these days but only because for the last 10 years I have chosen to live in a sleepy hollow in a foreign country where almost nobody knows me. Now I’m really in the shadows!!

What has this all been about, this long invisibility journey? Why, when I knew, and still know, that I have something important to share, have I been in an almost permanent holding pattern where fulfilling this purpose never works out, in fact, doesn’t even show up as an option?

This is NOT me feeling sorry for myself. This is a stock-take and a realisation, and yes, I am sorry to the ‘me’ that has never been given a chance to claim her all-important purpose.

Claire, I am sorry.

The worst thing about invisibility is that it is isolating. We are never more truly alone than when we aren’t seen.

I have made some big achievements in my life. I have been recognised for some of them. I have earned six-figure salaries and been given some amazing opportunities. I’ve learned to follow my intuition and to manifest quite organically. It’s taken time, but I’ve become fairly comfortable in my own skin.

I have been grateful for everything I’ve experienced and in return I have endeavoured to share as much of my experience and learnings with others. I love to share!

Yet my accomplishments have largely felt empty. For the most part, they did not represent my deeper calling. Somehow, with almost steadfast dedication, I have remained in a lane where I did not fit but decided I must stay.

Fortunately, today I work more as a therapist and less as a businesswoman. I am focused on providing a safe and healing space where people can share openly and make their own discoveries and breakthroughs.

Even as I do this important work, my inner voice says “There’s more, so much more”. This part of me wants to play in a bigger arena. She wants to be seen and heard, she wants to participate, influence and play her part.

But at the moment, this voice is still calling in the dark and at a distance. I have not yet welcomed her in and given her a seat at the table. Still at the head is the younger, smaller, more fearful version of me.

When asked what she needs she trembles and says “Support”. I’m so glad I asked because that one word speaks volumes! I receive all the nuances of what it is she truly needs: encouragement, kindness, stimulation, fun, and most importantly to spend time with like-minded others.

She craves interaction, eye contact, conversation, and above all, connection!

And in this moment, I know what I’ve been missing and what has kept me invisible for more than half my life. The company of others. A strong network. OMG, I have a support deficiency!

I, like many women, have bought into the old, flawed myth that true success comes from doing everything ourselves, on our own. But strong and successful women know that there is strength in numbers. When supported by like-minded others, women thrive. We do not do well when we feel isolated.

So many of us have sentenced ourselves to solitary confinement and are drowning in a box of open space.

The question is why did we put ourselves there? What story did our fledgling self buy into that kept her small and unseen? Getting close enough to hear what she has to say is our mission, should we choose to accept it. Only then can we reconcile what that part of us still needs so that we can start to construct a new, more meaningful story that represents more of who we truly are.

My work is to hold space for women and their vision — in most cases a much larger vision than they may be able to hold for themselves — just until they are able to claim it for themselves.

www.ClaireLinley.com

I don’t know about you but I’m letting out a big sigh of relief, at putting some distance between me and January 1st for two reasons: 1) People will stop asking me what my NY Resolutions are, and 2) I can give up the guilt and shame around not having set any in the first place!

Don’t get me wrong, GOALS have value. It took me a long time to be able to say that as I am not a natural goal-setter. I’m a very motivated, action-oriented person but goals don’t inspire me, they somehow restrict me. I’m told that’s probably just the way I approach them but today, I heard something that perfectly explained my issue with goals.

Thank you James Clear! His book, Atomic Habits — An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones, makes a lot of sense to me.

It’s easy to set a goal and a really good one too — I can do it in a few seconds! A good goal is juicy right and it’s inspiring. It sums up our best thoughts, our most passionate desires and sets something in motion. What that ‘something’ is however, depends very much on what we do next, after we set the goal. So, is what happens next a road to fulfilment and success, or a slippery slope to disappointment and self-loathing? You can see which way I lean!

In Atomic Habits, James says (and I’m paraphrasing) “the important part is to build a process or develop a system that carries us towards our desired outcome (goal).”

That process or system he describes as a “collection of daily habits” that we can easily adopt and that practically and purposefully move us towards our goal.

I love this!

Taking daily steps and forging good habits, however small, I can do!

For example, If I want to eat healthier and lose weight I can ask myself at meal times “What would a healthy person eat? What exercise would they do that would make a difference?”

And if I don’t know the answers to these things, I can find out? But what it means is that several times a day I am going to take a positive step towards being how I want to be.

And somehow this makes me a whole lot more accountable because I will be taking action and thinking thoughts that are in agreement with what I’ve said I want.

The tricky part for most of us is that this seems like small stuff. Goals are usually big and bright and shiny and this is like putting tiny marbles into a big jar, one by one. It takes time, it’s not sexy, it’s nothing to shout about or show off to others.

However, what might be barely noticeable is definitely meaningful, in very practical terms because it’s cumulative and it’s habit forming. It’s forward focused and it’s positive, life-affirming action. It’s something all of us can undertake to achieve what we want, or get where we want to be.

The other important part of this is it shuts down that nagging inner critic who has just been dying to give you a flogging about those failed Resolutions. The Critic can’t get a look in when you’re saying what you want and taking action to get it.

All you need to do is just do what you can, when you can, as consistently as you can and most importantly ACKNOWLEDGE that you are doing it. Remind yourself that you are achieving your goal with every choice you make and every step you take.

How would you encourage someone you care about: “You’re doing great. You’re making good choices. Every step counts. Keep going. I’m cheering you on!”

James Clear says: “The difference a tiny improvement can make over time is astounding. Here’s how the math works out: if you can get 1 percent better each day for one year, you’ll end up thirty-­seven times better by the time you’re done. “

This is slow and steady change which means this is lasting change. This is sustainable, do-able change. Making deliberate choices and taking small, habit-forming steps means we’re on the road to genuine transformation.

And if there’s a battle to be fought, I’d rather do it on a small scale each day, where I wrestle with the decisions of what I have time for, what I choose to do or not. These fights are a lot easier to deal with than the hideous snowball of guilt and shame that come with another big goal crashing and burning.

You might not, in fact you won’t, see immediate results from building a step-by-step set of habits that carry you forward to what you want and where you want to be. But you will be building something significant. Every small step will be carrying you forward, with you in charge of the process.

I don’t know about you, but for me this feels like something I can do and it sure beats the heck out of those New Year’s Resolutions!

I don’t know about you, but my life has been full of gatekeepers.

“Claire, you did that really well, we want more of that from you.”

So, because they’ve asked and I want to contribute, I do more of ‘that’, hone my skills and proceed to do it REALLY well.

The response….-

“Thanks, Claire, we don’t need you at the moment. We’ll call you back when we do.”

Huh? What just happened?

What I didn’t know about was the private conversation that took place: “Oh crap! She does that TOO well and now she’s showing me/us up. She’s going to take our place. We can’t let that happen.”

And little ol me, for decades, just smiled through my utter confusion at their behaviour, nodded politely and waited patiently until they called back. Generally, they did call, but a long time later, and only after they’d worked with everybody else, found them lacking and then reluctantly let me back into the fold for a few rare moments at a time.

What happened? The Gatekeepers!

Gatekeepers live their lives in a state of arse-covering. Involving people smarter than themselves to make themselves look better, then running at the first sniff of being shown up.

Often the people they’ve brought in are nice people, like me. Nice and obliging and not there because of ego but purely to work hard, do a good job and contribute to the greater good.

Gatekeepers are ruled by pathological jealousy.

Pathological jealousy is irrational, compulsive and somehow very much alive and well in the corporate arena, but really, it’s rife everywhere.

Think of how many times you’ve received a compliment only for it to not actually feel genuine? How many times has your already stellar work been taken in hand to be ‘improved’, when you absolutely know it already hits the target? Somebody else gets the job when you know they are less suited than you.

I worked on network television for a long time and nowhere is there a better, or more obvious example, of pathological jealousy. It’s all about ego in that arena and people are hired and fired, promoted and passed over, for what are outwardly illogical reasons. Lots of arses being covered there! And way too many gatekeepers! But somehow, it’s expected in that environment and when you work there you know you are fair game, and that you will have to deal with your share of gatekeepers whilst keeping a smile firmly on your face.

Gatekeepers though are a serious business. At a personal level, they erode confidence and undermine natural ability.

Until you work out that you’ve been their target, your trajectory is slowed, sometimes stalled, You can find yourself working way too hard for way too long, somehow feeling like you’re still falling short; caught in an endless cycle of proving yourself to people who will never acknowledge that you’ve done enough.

But once you get it…..really get it that you’ve been gas-lit, manipulated, intimidated, put-down, ridiculed, laughed-at, undermined, or just simply ignored and passed over, then and only then, can you start to reverse the damage they’ve done.

Where to start?

I started with imagining each of the situations where I felt uncomfortable during my working life and then reframed each of those moments as they really took place — with the other person realising I was doing a good job and them fearful of what that meant to them.

I imagined those private conversations where they decided to cover their own arse which meant exposing mine.

And I took note of how much time I spent stalled while waiting for something that was never going to come even though it had been promised.

I imagined where my life might have gone if I’d realised then what I know now and had ignored the Gatekeeper and taken charge of my own destiny.

I then acknowledged that I had done nothing to deserve those missed opportunities, and the deliberate overlooking of my talent and hard work. And from this tallying up I built a new picture, of myself as I truly am — an intelligent, accomplished, broadly skilled, adaptable, cooperative, hard-working, decent woman.

Recognising those moments, when I could have been championed but was instead sidelined, has been enormously beneficial for me. It has made sense of why I have always worked too hard, why I’ve tried to prove too much, often contributed more than my fair share. And equally why I’ve also accepted limited recognition and advancement and being paid too little.

I’ve been a soldier, when in fact I have the skills to lead. I’ve behaved like a workhorse rather than a wild bronco. I’ve stood in the shade instead of basking in the sun.

This is not about blame. This is about understanding one of my greatest challenges in life. It’s good to make sense of this and to fairly apportion ownership to those Gatekeepers, rather than carry an unfair load myself.

There is liberation here and importantly a very clear idea of how to spot the next Gatekeeper that crosses my path!

How would you show up in each day? Your face and jaw less tight, your posture less rigid. Would you find yourself more relaxed, eating less, drinking less, with more natural impetus to care about how you look and feel?

Maybe your daily routine would be different — less time spent worrying about what others needed and wanted of you. Less energy spent on working so hard to placate, please, appease and care for those troublesome few.

And maybe that easier daily routine would free up energy to have some fun and be frivolous. I see you — making plans the way you want, shifting and changing them as you want, abundant in time, energy and headspace.

You look wonderful.

You look like you and as if you were designed to be exactly this way. That’s because you were!

All too often we feel like we’re no longer relating but rather on the receiving end of some pretty awful stuff.

This is difficult territory, and even with a great amount of awareness, it is difficult to see someone else’s behaviour as having something to do with us, let alone as an opportunity to do something with it!

The best we can do sometimes is just weather the storm and, if it’s really damaging, do our best to move away from it. But wherever possible it’s good to look at what has transpired between ourselves and our partners and see whether any of the THEMES are familiar. Usually they are if we’re able to be honest about them.

If you’re having a hard time in your relationship, ask yourself how you really feel. See if any of these descriptions ring a bell:

Undervalued

Dismissed

Unheard

Disrespected

Impotent

Helpless

Powerless

Misunderstood

Neglected

Inadequate

Unloved

These words are just a starting point — that’s if you’re looking for a way into what might be the theme(s) in your relationship. Owning how you really feel may give you a window into where you’ve come from and where, no doubt, you’ve been before in your key relationships.

There are no such things as ‘facts’ in relationships — not the kind where fingers are pointed, blame is laid, or a list of faults tallied up.

There are ‘truths’ however, which can be discovered by each person owning how they really feel and in doing so recognising how the themes of this relationship strike a chord, a very personal chord, of something they have long been plagued by. This is where there is potential for change.

You are or have been together for many reasons. At its deepest level, your relationship is about doing an important piece of personal work. Tough as it might be or have been, and as battle-scarred, as you may feel now, it is time to honour your relationship with at least an acknowledgement of what it was all about.

Give yourself credit for being brave enough to partner up for this journey. And if you’re really brave acknowledge what you have been able to learn from it.

www.clairelinley.com