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A Personal Perspective by Claire Linley Schillaci

In my mid-50s, I had an eye-opening realisation: I wasn’t happy with what I saw in the mirror. Menopause had landed me with hard-to-shift weight, brain fog, and a noticeable dip in libido. But that wasn’t the worst part. I found myself falling into the trap of “comparisonitis” – feeling like I wasn’t measuring up to others my age who seemed wealthier, more successful, more accomplished, more popular than me.

But it wasn’t just me, this sense of dissatisfaction and constant comparison is an epidemic that stretches across gender and age. From an early age, society encourages us to grow, improve, and fulfil our potential, setting us on a path where self-criticism is the norm. The more we strive for perfection, the further we feel from it, and we miss out on the chance to truly get to know the remarkable person we actually are.

This cycle breeds anxiety, depression, and a deep sense of dissatisfaction. It manifests in our relationships, careers, and even our health. As a therapist, I’ve seen how this lack of self-acceptance leads to a host of emotional and mental challenges. The constant need to improve and measure up takes a toll on our well-being, leaving us feeling like failures, no matter how many external accomplishments we rack up.

But then, something clicked. I realized that the change I needed was a profound internal shift, a shift to “Radical Self Acceptance”. It was time to embrace all the things I didn’t like about myself, to view myself through a Kinder Eye. And the results were transformative for myself and my clients. Radical Self-Acceptance became an antidote to the self-doubt and dysfunction that had been holding us back. It unlocked resilience, focus, and energy that I had been wasting on comparing and criticising myself.

Radical Self-Acceptance isn’t passive or complacent. It’s a powerful, active choice that shifts our mindset from scarcity and fear to confidence and purpose. It restores our mental and emotional health by allowing us to focus on what we are, without constantly chasing what we’re not.

By choosing to see ourselves through a Kinder Eye, we can finally begin to live authentically, free to be as we truly are, so that we can discover the true potential that lies within.

“How did we get here so fast?”, many of us find ourselves asking. “I’m not ready!”

And not everyone is ready for everything that comes with it. For some, it’s parties and fun and time with loved ones, but for others it’s a challenging time – financially, family-wise, or quite lonely.

This time of year, like no other, touches on some very personal pressure points and it’s so important to acknowledge and plan how you’re going to take care of yourself.

If you’re alone or a new arrival to the area, staying connected to others is very important. Find out what is going on in your community. Make sure you have something social to attend that you can look forward to.

For those navigating difficult family situations, remember you and your family come first, so consider how you’re going to share yourself around in a way that makes sense and allows you to spend some quality time with others and at home.

For busy people, it’s time to slow down, enjoy the moment and get some rest. If you’re someone who over-gives and tries to please everyone this means you! It’s a good time to practise a habit for the new year by blocking out time in the calendar that is just for you.

Whatever the season brings your way we wish you moments of joy, ease and celebration. 

Warmest wishes to everyone from the Algarve Therapy Centre.

The battle lines are drawn. The gloves are off. And the next round of fighting begins. As the harsh words fly you wonder how your once-loving partner became someone you struggle to connect with. The love and understanding that once defined your relationship seem distant, leaving you asking: How did we get here, and how can we fix it?

Whether you’ve been together 5 months, 5 years or 50, you know there are always changing dynamics in your relationship – each person experiences their own ups and downs, and there are external pressures, from work, financial stress and the demands of family and friends.

Having children, changing jobs, moving locations, and retiring are also major stressors on relationships. Why? Because our routines, our roles, our expectations of ourselves and the other person change.

Often before we know it, we are in crisis – wondering how we got here and questioning if we should stay.

So, how do we deal with a critical point in our relationship and, better still, how do we prevent one?

Be honest:  Admit to yourself and the other person that there is a problem – that is the first step. Then call an amnesty – to stop blaming each other and instead commit to search for solutions together.

Identify the stressors: what internal or external changes have occurred? These might be subtle personal shifts so exercise as much self-awareness and honesty as you can.

Create a safe environment: Set a strict time frame and a neutral place (away from children) to talk about things.

Clear communication: Discuss the ‘rules’ of how you will share (i.e., taking turns to speak / not interrupting). Ask clarifying questions to make sure you understand. Reflecting back to each other what you hear.

Respect: Remember that you are partners and are together for a reason. Speak and act with care. Owning what you say, using ‘I’ statements, rather than ‘you’ statements immediately calms things down.

Express your own feelings: write them down, share them with a trusted friend or therapist. It’s important to release and process what you’re going through separately.

Some aspects of your partner may never change, which may mean being more accepting and lowering expectations. However, both people have the ability to learn new skills – for better listening, communicating and loving.  

Even in the darkest times, turning things around is often possible. With patience, honesty, and a commitment to each other, a couple in crisis can emerge stronger and more connected than ever before.

Claire is an internationally accredited therapist working with individuals and couples. Meet her at the BLiP Expo in Portimao, October 12 & 13

www.ClaireLinley.com

“If you had the time, space, and energy to do and be anything you choose what would your life look like?”

Would it be very different from now? Or would your life look very much the same, just different in terms of how you feel living it?

As I ask this of you, I also ask it of myself. For a start how often do I pause to consider such a probing question? How often do I stop to take a breath, as in one I actually mean to take?

Life can feel pretty relentless, amongst the tumble and roll and endless motion of it all.  We struggle to be mindful. We’re busy ‘doing’, rather than being. So, to ask a question about what we WANT seems pretty far out there.

But what if, for just a moment, we recognised ourselves as the sentient beings we came here to be?  In that picture I see us bursting with pure radiant energy. I see us naturally expressing that energy in infinitely creative ways, making meaningful contributions to the world at large.

And it’s all so easy! Time isn’t an issue. We know our value. We feel a sense of belonging. We are fulfilled. Rewards are effortless.

Most days I admit this feels like I am describing a utopian state, rather than anything resembling the norm. Yet, we all have the ability to remember the larger truth about what we’re doing here.

It might feel like ‘work hard – eat – sleep – repeat’, but if we pause for just a moment it is possible to remember that there is more to us. To remember that version of us that knows how to live beyond limits.

Can we be brave enough to pause….. breathe…… and take a peak at life beyond whatever is currently limiting?  And before the voice in our head cuts in and damns our vision as ‘unrealistic’ , ‘ridiculous’, ‘a pipe-dream’, ‘impossible’, let’s stay with our vision just a moment longer and breathe it in…..

I choose to believe this is who we really are: limitless beings, living our lives from the inside where we are secure in the knowledge that we have much to contribute and the time, space and energy to do just that.

If you’re dealing with restrictions, or have reached a point where you know you want more out of life, tell me more. www.clairelinley.com

Claire is a Transformational Therapist with over 25 years experience helping people overcome obstacles and fulfil their potential.