The battle lines are drawn. The gloves are off. And the next round of fighting begins. As the harsh words fly you wonder how your once-loving partner became someone you struggle to connect with. The love and understanding that once defined your relationship seem distant, leaving you asking: How did we get here, and how can we fix it?
Whether you’ve been together 5 months, 5 years or 50, you know there are always changing dynamics in your relationship – each person experiences their own ups and downs, and there are external pressures, from work, financial stress and the demands of family and friends.
Having children, changing jobs, moving locations, and retiring are also major stressors on relationships. Why? Because our routines, our roles, our expectations of ourselves and the other person change.
Often before we know it, we are in crisis – wondering how we got here and questioning if we should stay.
So, how do we deal with a critical point in our relationship and, better still, how do we prevent one?
Be honest: Admit to yourself and the other person that there is a problem – that is the first step. Then call an amnesty – to stop blaming each other and instead commit to search for solutions together.
Identify the stressors: what internal or external changes have occurred? These might be subtle personal shifts so exercise as much self-awareness and honesty as you can.
Create a safe environment: Set a strict time frame and a neutral place (away from children) to talk about things.
Clear communication: Discuss the ‘rules’ of how you will share (i.e., taking turns to speak / not interrupting). Ask clarifying questions to make sure you understand. Reflecting back to each other what you hear.
Respect: Remember that you are partners and are together for a reason. Speak and act with care. Owning what you say, using ‘I’ statements, rather than ‘you’ statements immediately calms things down.
Express your own feelings: write them down, share them with a trusted friend or therapist. It’s important to release and process what you’re going through separately.
Some aspects of your partner may never change, which may mean being more accepting and lowering expectations. However, both people have the ability to learn new skills – for better listening, communicating and loving.
Even in the darkest times, turning things around is often possible. With patience, honesty, and a commitment to each other, a couple in crisis can emerge stronger and more connected than ever before.
Claire is an internationally accredited therapist working with individuals and couples. Meet her at the BLiP Expo in Portimao, October 12 & 13
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