It’s no accident that we end up in relationships with the people we do. We all have emotional history that we are trying, usually unconsciously, to resolve. So, our life/love partners often represent the deeper issues we struggle with — and we notice it in their behaviour towards us, the things they say, the way they say them.
All too often we feel like we’re no longer relating but rather on the receiving end of some pretty awful stuff.
This is difficult territory, and even with a great amount of awareness, it is difficult to see someone else’s behaviour as having something to do with us, let alone as an opportunity to do something with it!
The best we can do sometimes is just weather the storm and, if it’s really damaging, do our best to move away from it. But wherever possible it’s good to look at what has transpired between ourselves and our partners and see whether any of the THEMES are familiar. Usually they are if we’re able to be honest about them.
If you’re having a hard time in your relationship, ask yourself how you really feel. See if any of these descriptions ring a bell:
Undervalued
Dismissed
Unheard
Disrespected
Impotent
Helpless
Powerless
Misunderstood
Neglected
Inadequate
Unloved
These words are just a starting point — that’s if you’re looking for a way into what might be the theme(s) in your relationship. Owning how you really feel may give you a window into where you’ve come from and where, no doubt, you’ve been before in your key relationships.
There are no such things as ‘facts’ in relationships — not the kind where fingers are pointed, blame is laid, or a list of faults tallied up.
There are ‘truths’ however, which can be discovered by each person owning how they really feel and in doing so recognising how the themes of this relationship strike a chord, a very personal chord, of something they have long been plagued by. This is where there is potential for change.
You are or have been together for many reasons. At its deepest level, your relationship is about doing an important piece of personal work. Tough as it might be or have been, and as battle-scarred, as you may feel now, it is time to honour your relationship with at least an acknowledgement of what it was all about.
Give yourself credit for being brave enough to partner up for this journey. And if you’re really brave acknowledge what you have been able to learn from it.
www.clairelinley.com
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